today i set up this diary where ill post about the hospital, what this hospital is might or might not be apparent to u i dont rly care honestly. Im gonna use it to write thoughts nd then continue to blankly stare at the screen until something happens. Another rule i decided on (which is actually very important) is that the hospital only exists now nd maybe in the future but never in the past, im not trying 2 lose my mind. Ok this might be 2 srs. Im writing this about to go 2 sleep nd a fly zoomed across the room rly close to my ear, im not sleeping well tonight huh (￢_￢;)
Last few hours ive been reading a lot abt some things nd crying, this hasnt happened to me ever but this is the second time this week it happens. The stuff i was reading said that it wont get better nd that im just decieving myself into thinking i can live like this nd that i need to get help before i hurt ppl around me. Now i think all this is just a lie to try to make me be more functional to the government nd get out of this place but i know deep down im just lying, a fucking liar nothing else.
im back here i guess.
i cant believe how little time its been since last upd8, i imagined it wouldve been so much mor time
i feel vry different abt this place than i did, u can probably imagine that, if ur reading.
im back here bc im going thru a rly bad switch, the reason is that simple, i also wanted 2 express my feelings of not being to feel human that have been haunting me my whole life nd it just gets worse nd worse, the cat/animalistic persona thing is much more real than u nd i imagine rly.
i also remembered y i actually wanted 2 write this post, a vry specific problem... u see, my life has been getting "better", i talk a little w/ ppl online thats so much more than the previous zero, i dont have any friends yet though, thats fine i guess its better than nothing but 4 sum reason my mental nd physical state r getting so much worse, lately ive suddenly started having this problem where i pass out in "social" settings.
im gonna give u an example; it first started last friday at night when i joined some1 i wanted 2 reconnect with in a game, they had friends with them nd were talking. This was so severe 2 me that i passed out, like actually passed out on my computer
i left without saying anything nd ever since then ive been losing conciousness at random throughout the day which has obviously brung a lot of weird looks nd questions. ur probably thinking by this point im some fucking insane person that doesnt take care of themselves nd that thers a logical reason 4 this happening. i dont blame u 4 thinking that but unfortunately thats not been the case, these few weeks ive been going back 2 eating normally, a lot even, all meals in a day ofc, ive even been cooking sum cool stuff nd having a good time with that.
i want 2 get better
i also just remembered that i was planning 2 sh 2day but i got so caught up in doing other things that i forgot so thats cool
thx4readinthx4readin^w^